The Beluga Whale and The Crow


Taken from @ArtMoses

The beluga whale sits at the table stuffing another burger in his wide face. The beluga whale is named Luis. He tells Kafka that in life its best to look at people like they have $$ signs on their faces. Thats the best way to succeed at life. The beluga whale orders a Philly cheese-stake before he goes and meets another one of his horses. Him and the mosquito, Herst, need to commit as many people as possible to their business. The scheme can only continue if its subjects are working fiercely down below. Exploit, manipulate, use, chase that money. Disregard females and acquire currency. The motto of any poker-player. Have another 3 way with his happy wife.

Its truly wonderful how worth-less the boy named crow considers so many of his poker friends to his non-poker friends who are simply less-ons. They don’t have a concept of busy-ness, but they still pay their taxes. Its not a duty or a task to them. At the end of the day that life-style, that free-dumb, isn’t so free. Selling your soles and folding your life away one hand at a time. Don’t worry, though. The beluga whale will have darts to hand to his beluga wife before he heads to the air-port. Hurry up funeral herse. Make that money before your piano attacks you. The clock is ticking my morbidly anorexic friend.

What is a stake? A stake is an ongoing business effort between a poker investor, almost always also a poker player, and another poker player who doesn’t have money in order to play. My own personal stake started at 60/40 in my favor and ended at 70/30. It also can be the limits a poker player plays. 2/5, 5/10, 100/200 etc.  The way my stake worked:

Lets say I make $8,000 over a month. We would chop $5600 and $2400 respectively, I would pay whatever bills, or blow it on bad things outside of poker, and continue surviving in my absolutely dismal life style, and only my backer (investor) would profit long term. Now lets say the next two weeks I go on a $3500 downswing. He is required to give me more money to play with, or he can suffer his loss and drop me.

Many stakes can be successful short-term deals, but thats only if the earning potential can sufficiently cover living costs and the horse has no life leaks outside of poker. The ultimate goal is to get off stake because I was giving away 30% of my winnings. I was lucky, most backers receive 50% of the winnings. Usually this isn’t the case, and a lot of horses go into lots of makeup, and have to borrow money from their backers because they can’t pay bills. They get themselves into a really awkward situation where they don’t have a choice but to continue playing to clear their makeup/debt. If they don’t borrow they never have a problem, but the minute the makeup becomes debt is when they dig their own grave. If you are a poker player and none of this applies to you, thats great, but if it doesn’t Im 100% sure you know several people that it does apply to. 

My backer was extremely kind and patient with me, but I remember what he said to me once, “if you want to succeed in life, look at people like they have $$$ on their faces. If they don’t have $$$ on their faces then move to the next person.” He’s the perfect epitome of a predatory poker player.

When I met him when he was about 28 and I was 19 playing underage at Wynn. He looked like he was no less than 50. He’s morbidly obese, probably 375 pounds, and has gray hair. He has such a good heart, but I feel that he’s lost in his forest chasing money like many other poker players. “Do you think I’m here because I enjoy poker? I’ve hated poker for years, but I continue with it because I need to make money.”

If you look at any of my photos I likely look way older than I actually am as well. I’m 25, but most people think I look >30. A lot of poker players use their comps to eat extremely unhealthy casino food, typically clock in to work at 10 PM and don’t leave until morning the next day. Its such a miserable and unhealthy life style, but we usually use the following logic to rationalize what we’re doing.

  • I make too much money and don’t want to transition out. Why would I do something else when I can make $40-$80/hr long term playing poker?
  • I get to plan my schedule as I see fit
  • What would I do instead? Work at a grocery store?
  • I’ll one day make enough money to get into investing or open up a business

Very few actually are able to commit to treating poker like a business, lead extremely unhealthy or unfulfilling lives, purely chase money, and have all sorts of life leaks that can ruin the fruits of their labor, and inevitably get a real job. These include, but are not limited to:

  • Alcoholism
  • Sex addiction
  • Gambling in the pit (blackjack, baccarat, craps, roulette, etc) lol don’t forget credit card roulette at dinner with other poker players lol.
  • Excessively eating out and spending likely $1000-$1200 monthly on food, for some degenerates, maybe even more.
  • Online shopping addictions (dated a girl that play pokers that have this problem)

We make so much money that we tend to abuse it and not really appreciate how amazing of a life we could have. We make it, we lose it, we spend it. Our chips literally are like darts to us. They are our weapons, and the more balanced, aggressive, and intuitive to our opponents tendencies, the better we can exploit them.

A key part of what makes someone a successful poker player are both aggression and exploitation. We WANT to exploit everyone in our games as much as possible, so we can get max value and deny them theirs. Friends usually don’t go out of their ways to do so, but this is not entirely true. A few of my friends battle each other and will play 3-handed if a game is about to break. Poker is just a game, but I feel that it has the capacity to totally assist someone in folding their life away. I’ve seen a lot of people get rich off of poker. Many people I’m friends with have several-mid-6-figures on the way to 7 in the bank, but a lot of people I also know are stone broke, in tons of debt and makeup, and more or less dependent on other people for their survival. Lets also not forget the biggest problem with poker, its extraordinarily high opportunity cost. I played part time through UNLV and full-time afterwards, and literally have never had a real job.

I’ve made this comparison a lot in the past, but I feel like poker players and strippers would make great couples. They grind for a living, work from midnight until morning, sleep all day, and then wake up at 2-3 PM the next day to go do it again. The vampire life right? Its usually in their best interest to drink with their customers to appear that they are in-joying themselves when they really just want to suck as much money out as possible like a mosquito. They are both dependent on people with money to blow for their own survival, and are both likely spending way more time than they should in these hopefully temporary careers. A poker player that isn’t diversifying his skill set is a true beluga whale. 

Is this true for all poker players and all strippers? Absolutely not, but I feel that the generalization holds true in a lot of cases.

“Wow good job, you took that fish to value town, or you got max value from that fish,” said literally every poker player once at one point or another. Then you hear the old guy 3 tables down cursing out the fish who bad-beat him when in reality YOU WANT FISH PUTTING THEIR MONEY IN BAD!!!

I’m writing this mainly for my Facebook friends (directed at 4 specifically) because I hope the people that need to see this do, and I hope that those who don’t can have compassion for what their friends are likely going through. The following questions might be useful for a lot of them.

  • Are you making as much money as you were 2-3 years ago?
  • Have you been broke, in debt, and in makeup for the last however many years?
  • Do you have a massive resume gap and don’t feel you have a viable transition out of poker to live a comparable lifestyle?
  • Do you get to travel and are you enjoying your life as much as you used to?
  • Has poker affected your relationship with other people, primarily women? Directly or indirectly?
  • How do you think the state of poker is overall? Are the games as juicy as they used to be?
  • Are the golden years of poker behind us?
  • Are you still staked or borrowing money from people like you have been the last however many years?

A lot of you might be crushing still, but a lot of you are also struggling. It hurts to see you struggle like I struggled. I wish you would open your minds and think here and now opposed to 5 years from now when you’ve cleared your makeup, found the right project, or have ‘opened your business.’ This reality is a dream for many poker players that never actually occurs. This is also an accomplishment for many poker players that have transitioned out and made their way to the next phase of their  business lives with far more money than they did coming in.

Like Murakami implies in 1Q84 without ever directly saying it, it takes two to Tengo!

Kafka shuts his word processor, the boy named crow flies away, and the silent witness is the guide between the two. He folds and forgives not because Beluga Whale, Luis, and the 3rd anonymous reader deserve it, but because he deserves peace.

No more waiting for my rockets, cowboys, or big slick to cum.

Ill make due with ducks. Quack Quack :0

Taken from


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