“Expectations are premeditated feelings of resentment.” -Unknown
Today I watched what I consider one of the best movies I’ve ever seen for the first time. Easily a 9+/10. It is initially pretty terrifying and unnerving, but becomes an uplifting film about how we don’t expect the impossible while traveling and how we can recover. It shows a happy family that is torn apart and separated during a tsunami in Thailand and the adversities they face when trying to find one another. It depicts how when things don’t go as expected, that it is our responsibility to be purely conscious in order to recuperate from whatever disasters we are faced with. I identified so much with this movie, because I too went to Thailand without any expectation that I would be leaving physically damaged and emotionally scarred. For those of you who don’t know, I tore my ACL my last night in Bangkok before leaving for Krabi the next morning.
I’m finally about to be going off to Barcelona in 5 days, and I’ve wondered to myself how this trip would be different than the first attempt. The first major difference is that I will be going straight to my destination. I won’t have any detours exploring different locations I may want to teach at. I also have been focusing strictly on the perpetuating present which has previously consisted of my physical rehabilitation and spiritual re-construction over the last 6 months. Its shed light internally that Barcelona isn’t a destination. Its one of the many points on a never-ending, unknown path I will take. Prior to leaving for Seoul last summer, I was drinking everyday and obsessing about the future instead of appreciating the present. Its nice to think into the future, but doing so can create unfulfilled prophecies that lead to scarcity. I think the ultimate difference is that I have no expectations for this trip.
I want to go to Barcelona, explore the city for 5 days prior to the CELTA, and simply pass the program. The details of how that takes place don’t matter to me and will unravel themselves. What happens afterwards will inevitably demystify itself as well. Despite all the studying I’ve done, I don’t EXPECT I’m going to pass, so am trying not to think too far into the future and simply prepare as best I can. I feel that I am approaching this situation more from a stance of hopeful humility opposed to vicious vanity. I’m aware of how vulnerable I am due to my knee, instead of thinking I’m some indestructible Pharaoh. I also want to be vulnerable to step outside of my comfort zone, but not TOO far out.
Barcelona is notorious for pickpockets and crime, so I need to be extremely conscious of my surroundings. I can’t go into this expecting I will be safe because I can’t protect myself if shit hits the fan. My number one priority is keeping my leg safe and avoiding all conflict. I’d be a liar if I told you I’m not extremely worried about my leg going into this. However, I don’t want my leg to prevent me from finally getting back out there in the world again. I’m as physically and spiritually ready as I feel I’ll ever be.
Like Lucas in The Impossible, I don’t expect anything. I’ll TRY to give compassion to myself, everyone around me, and hope for the best, but I don’t EXPECT I’ll always be able to do so. I have faith that the vast intelligence of our universe will flow in a way that elevates me instead of drowns me, but I also know that I have the capacity to alter the flow for better or worse. Everything unexpected is possible.