Atonement, At-one-meant, Final Fantasy?

“Every-little-thing is pro-found when we’ve found our-self.” -Pharaoh Maktuk


Watch this clip before continuing reading.

A quick summary of FFX/an allegory: (might ramble and talk in circles a bit so bare with me, hard to jam a 100 hour video game into a couple of paragraphs lol)

Spira is the world in FFX. Sin is a massive destructive whale that has the capacity of destroying Spira. The ‘only’ way, or the way that has been used over the last 1000 years since Sin’s first appearance to defeat Sin, is the final summoning. A summoning is the calling forth of an aeon, an entity of great power. Summoner’s most go on a pilgrimage to all the different temples in Spira to train mind and body for the final summoning. The pilgrimage ends in Zanarkand, the lost city of the dead where Sin first appeared 1000 years ago, also Tidus’ the main character’s home town. Sin first appeared, according to legend, to humble humanity because the two main cities, Bevelle and Zanarkand, kept creating more and more powerful machina. The war was thought to have the capacity to destroy Spira, and ironically one evil was replaced by another.

Lady Yunalesca was the first summoner to defeat sin. She used her guardian, her lover, as her faith. Together she created the final aeon to defeat sin. In the process, the final aeon, her ex-lover, killed her after it kills sin. Thus, the spiral of death, Spira, continues, and only sin is eternal. Through Tidus/Yuna’s pilgrimage they start to see the lies and pointlessness in this 1000-year-old tradition, and become unwilling to continue sacrificing themselves for false hope. Wouldn’t it be nice if humanity could perfectly atone for their crimes and could permanently defeat sin?

Later we find out that Sin was created by a summoner. A summoner, who was so terrified of being blown into oblivion by the machina of Bevelle that he created a means of destroying machina of Bevelle, sin. In order to defeat Yu Yevon, the mad scientist/summoner, the group must attack Sin, to immobilize it temporarily while they go deep inside the heart of sin to stop the summoning. When the summoning stops, so does Sin. In order to the kill sin they must defeat the eternal summoner of sin from inside of the sin.

Alright, I’m done blabbering like a beluga whale. Adages was one of my first poems, and when I started doing hash-tags, I noticed that #atonewiththeforce, or #at-one was atone! To reconcile, to make amends, to be at one with the force. To be a jedi! Humans are not jedi, but in our minds we have the infinite capacity to be a jedi or a sith.

Organized religion gets distorted as we see in so many cases FFX included. There are christians who feel forced to conform to their parents’ beliefs and murder others, muslim extremists who distort the Qur’an and murder others in the name of Allah, Buddhists that join yakuza and torture people. There are good and bad of any religion, and a close-mindedness of any ‘other way’ than theirs has been the cause of so many wars and murders throughout his-story. Why couldn’t it be her-story? Hmmm…

I remember what Manami put under her religion on fb, “if people have to kill each other in the name of religion then I will never believe in any religion”. I respected that, but now I realize that there all sorts of people that practice different religions that don’t distort the teachings, and don’t look down on others who think differently.

I recently made the following confession in my mind the other day: “they can go fuck themselves, but the way I tried to fuck them over was repulsively disturbing.” I said one of the most vile things to two close friends the other day, things that I didn’t really know I was capable of saying, and burnt bridges in a way similar to how I did so with Manami a few years ago. I could reach out and attempt to apologize, but I’m satisfied with the end result, and some damage or intent of the damage is irreversible and unforgivable. However, I am not satisfied with the process achieved in attaining the result. I could have let go and left their doors open, but I slammed the entrance gates in their faces. Bye bye guys.


How do I atone now? They likely will never be in my lives again, and it doesn’t bother me. I don’t need worth-less friends who think sacrificing one day out of 6 months to see me while I have a torn ACL is ok. You live 25 minutes away from me, I’m on pain pills and alone in a house after by far the worst year of my life, and you can only spare one day in 6 months to see me? You take days at a time to respond to texts when I’ve made it abundantly obvious I want to see you before leaving to Barcelona? Go fuck yourselves and good riddance. Wouldn’t want to disturb your busy-ness lol.


So… how do I atone now? I become grateful for them having been in my life. I likely let them go, don’t make effort to repair burnt bridges because I don’t see the point. Whats done is done. I honor them by trying my hardest to not allow my past venom to ever be spat on another victim unwarrantedly because I want to reflect whatever loneliness or rejection I’m feeling inside at the time. I know I will make mistakes in the future, but hopefully mistakes which weren’t premeditated and hidden behind a phone.

I continue on my pilgrimage like Yuna and let go of the concept of ‘the right way’ and create my own. I call forth my aeons and reach new levels of faith I previously had no capacity to imagine. I find beauty in every-little-thing, and let go of those sins– beluga whales– douche bags that try to obstruct my vision. I swallow any sort of false hope of which would make me happy someday, and I am happy in the here and now. While I teach my students, I use grammar as a means to an ends of hopefully leaving my class, after enjoying my lame one-liners, with their minds spiraling. At least for a little while.

I wake up every day and real-eyes I am a new Pharaoh. A different Pharaoh from the one I was yesterday. I also real-eyes that I will be a different Pharaoh the following day. My external form, my emotions, my faith, my friendships, and every-little-thing will mold me into a different external existence, but my highest inward Pharaoh is what will allow me to be at-one with the irretrievable memories and their highest inward Pharaohs. Some may-be aware of their powerhouses, others may not, but that is not of my concern. In theory it would be great if I could effectively make no-thing be of concern. I let go of any sort of concept perfection and admire the imperfection of all things.

I will try to be at-one with the force instead of using it like a sinful sith to gain. I’d rather be a less-on than a more-on, and I know I will be a more-on in the future, but hopefully not as frequently, and hopefully not as deliberately.




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