My first day walking into International House Barcelona I knew that my biggest challenge would be suppressing my social anxiety, and coming out of my cave. Often times I retreated back into my cave, but I didn’t let it discourage me– forever.
I struggled to talk to my colleagues for the first few days, and felt that I didn’t vibe with them, but was I available to our ability to vibe? When they approached me, and attempted to get to know me, was I happily responding and talking about my positive experiences, or was I internally creating a worse picture inconsistent with all the beauty surrounding me? I never knew what to say, and my past was perpetuated into the future in the present. I may have discredited myself, but their professionalism and availability remained steady.
The best part of this program is the support and kindness I have received from my colleagues and instructors. I likely had higher expectations of my teaching ability, which were greatly humbled, but despite my thought shortcomings, I have been told I’m a lot better at teaching than I think I am. My colleagues, my instructors, and my students are all students in this international house.
During teaching practice feedback sessions we all supported each other and pointed out the strengths of one another. The camaraderie we share made me nostalgic of my experience running track and cross country. If you were my ex-best friend running a 4:20 mile, the freshman panting at the back of the pack, or myself finishing 800 meters in 2:10, you would always receive cheer. “You’re doing great! Keep it up! You got this! You can do it!”
At first I thought that everyone was fake, but now real-eyes that they were only reflecting my own inability to guide my-self. They were mirrors to the real lies I told myself. My kindness sunk downwards into the depths of the forest, and the light of the canopy seemed to grow more distant and faint. My owl lens’ had been removed and I was blindly tripping on branches while running into elephants’ trunks. I suppose I was just like Kafka On The Shore. I need to be a better DJ and play more appropriate tracks for my students. Status Quo
I have always had the problem of retreating further into the storm and burning out any raft for myself. I exacerbate problems instead of alleviating them, but I feel that it has started to change over the last couple of days. The Storm
Yesterday there was a meet and greet for all of us. We had a nice spread of tapas and a couple bottles of wine, but this was just a pre-game. We went out for more drinks and vibrations were created. Thats the picture Pharaoh chooses to illustrate. I made friends with one of my colleagues and vibed on our mutual love for trance and progressive house. I received more details about London, a city I would like to visit. We stumbled across ramblas and witnessed all sorts of beautiful lights. I was promised a hard drive with the best DJ’s from Hong Kong. I compared and contrasted the utility of different razorblades for catering to those who lack hair. The three amigos enjoyed bitch burgers at George Payne Irish bub and brave potatoes drizzled in gorgeous sauce. All sorts of interesting dialogues were exchanged which could pry one hard pistachio open. Pistachio Bag of Life
I know I have all sorts of things in common with them that I don’t know yet. I hope that I can stay above the canopy and spiral timelessly like a dove with the rest of the flock. We all may sink below into the dark sometimes, but by treating one another the way we would like to be treated we reach new heights in the infinite space within.