To my followers, would really appreciate some sort of response on this. I’m just not feeling well at all right now, and need help. In a foreign city alone and am morbidly depressed.
I’m really hating the CELTA program. I feel like the people I work with are ridiculously fake and caddy. They’re only nice to me because they have to be and it would be ‘unprofessional’ if they didn’t include me. They started this big group chat, and when I write them about anything non-teaching related I get completely ignored or rejected.
I think it might be some sort of culture shock to a certain extent. I think Europeans are wayyyyyyy more collectivistic than in America where its more individualistic. Have noticed this in social situations. Never has the term ‘single serving friends’ resonated with me more than now.
”Everywhere I travel, tiny life. Single-serving sugar, single-serving cream, single pat of butter. The microwave cordon bleu hobby kit. Shampoo conditioners, sample-package mouthwash, tiny bars of soap. The people I meet on flights? They’re single serving friends. From take off to landing we have our time together.” -Tyler Durden
I likely haven’t been as positive and Giddy with them as they are with each other, but thats just not the type of person I am. I’m extremely reserved, can laugh every now and then, but for the most part am to myself. I struggle in groups, but am feeling like in Europe groups are the only from of socializing there is. Am hoping teaching can be some sort of transformative experience and maybe it’ll help me come out of my shell, but at the same time will I make it through this program. I’ve been tossing and turning in bed for the last two hours, so figured its time for a blog. Seek bromance Pharaoh!
I go out and meet people in bars or cafes have 1-2 hour conversation with random girls, or as part of a group with my colleagues, but then when I try to text them or hit them up via whatsapp, I’m completely rejected or ignored. Its fucking annoying, and I’m seriously starting to hate Barcelona. I ACTUALLY THINK ITS FAKER HERE THAN IN VEGAS. Never though I’d find another place in the world faker than Vegas, and thought L.A had such incredibly genuine people, so have no idea how people think L.A is as fake as people do. I’m struggling to connect with people, and in my mind it feels like I do, but then the rejection afterwards is obvious when they read my messages and don’t respond.
Like why give your number out to begin with. Dudes and chicks the same. If you don’t have the desire to ever see someone again JUST DON’T BE FAKE FOR THE SAKE OF BEING POLITE. FUCK. If you’re not willing to respond to a text individually, or invite a person out unless its a part of a social group DON’T BE FUCKING FAKE. I’m sure some of you will have contrasting view points, but I think ‘colleague’ can now be listed to one my most despised words in the English dictionary as well as ‘busy’.
Other people think its ‘mean’ or ‘unauthentic’ to respond in any other way, and do so to avoid drama or because they don’t want to hurt the person’s feelings, but isn’t misleading them and deceiving them going to hurt the person even more? Right, you’ll never know cuz you don’t have to deal with it by being fake in the moment, and don’t have to see how much it hurts them later.
I went to one Meetup group last night and I just don’t know how to small talk. Its not something I do. I feel like its the same form of the regurgitated bull shit. Where are you from? What kind of music do you listen to? Where have you traveled to? And obviously there’s a language barrier, but its hard for someone who speaks limited English to respond to further questions. What did you like about that place? What were the people like? What was your favorite experience there?
‘oh it was fun’, ‘oh I liked the food’, hmmmm…. cool story bro. Also if people don’t like the type of music I do, I can’t really talk about music. I like trance, Coldplay, and Jason Mraz, and emo rock. Not many people listen to that type of music, so I generally find it hard to vibe on music when people say they “I like all music”. I mentally check out when people say “they like all music.” Fucking tell me a few artists you like the most instead of hiding behind that phony joke of a response. Yeah music is pretty amazing in all the various forms, BUT TELL ME MORE SO I CAN GET TO KNOW YOU YOU WHALE. (poker slang for big fish, not fat person)
I now real-eyes I’ve been vibing with dudes a little more, and girls are the ones likely hurting me. I guess I’m a genuine Oedipus Rex. Rejection from dudes bothers me just as much, though. I just don’t like being misled and having caddy conversations with people I’m never going to see again. Maybe I don’t ask good enough questions to get people to open up? Maybe its abundantly obvious how hurt and sad I am on the outside and its reflected from within. I felt so happy just sitting around my mom’s house working out, reading books, playing video games, and occasionally having a few friends visit, but at the same time I felt lonely and wanted to connect with people. Maybe I’m an authentic Kafka on The Shore. A Day Of Lost Ashes
Its frustrating and feeling like I don’t have a total of 1 friend in a new city is really depressing. Maybe I just need to seek bromance right now between Sherif and Pharaoh and fuck everyone else.
Maybe I’m overreacting because it has only been two weeks here, and I don’t have any close friends. Maybe like in a lot of my other blogs I’m letting rejection from a select few create a global rejection of my-self from me, and thats perpetuating into my relationships with the people that I could actually develop authentic relationships with. A Flock of Students: Celta Week 1
Considering just going back to the states after I finish the program and seeing Budapest, but I feel like its just reflecting I have some sick co-dependent relationship with my mom. I really don’t know what the solution is. Four years of therapy, lexapro, paxil, zoloft, all didn’t do shit, so yeah…. whats the solution?
How do I feel good around people I don’t know? Once people get to know me I feel like I can develop extremely profound relationships, but then eventually I blow up on them when I feel rejected and burn bridges. Its been a pretty sad struggle over the years. Luckily I have 6 best friends that would jump in front of traffic for me, but none of them live here, and none of them actually live in Vegas.
Alright. End rant. Thoughts?