Its 5:43 AM right now. I woke up to go to the bathroom about 45 minutes ago, and then saw something which saddened me a little bit via social media regarding my girlfriend, if I could even call her that. Before I get into that, though, I’d like to back up a bit. I wanted to make a post about my first day teaching yesterday before going to bed, and vowed I do so today, but right now I have one thing on my mind only keeping me awake and that would be girls. If you’re a How I Met Your Mother fan, you can call me Pharaoh Mosby for the rest of this post.
Its been almost 4 years since I broke up with the one that got away. I was 21 at the time, and less stupid and less immature than I am now. The only single truth I’ve become aware of as I grow older is that we are all students of life, and that no matter how much you think you know, it is not much. There is infinite room for growth and improvement, so not to get bummed out and just enjoy the process of creation and exploration while traveling through non-existent time. I’d like to think I’m a bit more mature and intelligent now, but am sure life will come along with its next extremely humbling and cathartic lesson sooner or later.
So yeah back to my ex gf. Its been 4 years since we broke up. Thinking back on our relationship she was almost exactly what I look for in a girl. She was an activity partner and a best friend. She could comfortably hang out in groups, got along with my friends and Mom, but didn’t need to constantly be surrounded by people, and I feel the majority of time we spent together was just doing our own thing. We both loved karaoke, so would just go and rent out a karaoke room and sing to each other for hours at a time, we’d go hiking regularly, laser tagging, and help each other with our respective languages. When we met she had only been in the states for 4 months since relocating from Japan to study nursing, and in the year we dated I watched her improve so much at English while my Japanese skyrocketed in comparison to the three years I took of it in uni. She is by far the coolest girl I’ve met so far, and sadly is the one that got away.
Although I’ve dated girls since her, I have not been in a relationship. In 2015 I dated a girl the whole year, but it was more casual. We were never in a relationship, but she’s still one of my closest friends. In 2014, the year after Manami*, I actually met a couple of really awesome girls as well, but turns out I got played by a freshman who was dating two other guys while we were, which really shocked me given she seemed so sweet and non-slutty.
I also dated a girl that collected sugar daddies. Yes, you heard that right. I was spoiled by a girl who collected sugar daddies. Playing poker professionally, I met a lot of interesting people. We were both 23 at the time, and she was just stunning and classy. This girl would always tell me to meet her at a different restaurant at a casino charge our $300 dinner to the room which her sugar daddies bought her, and always had a ridiculous VIP suite. The week of the Pacquiao/Mayweather fight this girl was staying in Skylofts at MGM grand for the whole week which I got to lounge around in a couple of nights. When she stayed at Bellagio or Venetian she’d have two bedrooms, a gym, a sauna and steam room, a living room all in her suite. It was insane. This girl was loads of fun, but of course nothing serious.
In 2016 before my hiatus from the dating scene after hitting rock bottom in poker and also tearing my ACL a few months later, I really liked 3 different girls in LA, none of which anything happened with. At the time, I knew poker was dying, and I knew I would have to transition out inevitably, and 2 of those girls were a bit older than me, 30 and mid 30s respectively, had very good jobs, and likely knew exactly what they wanted. I think one of them was interested in me, before she picked up on our 3rd date that I just wasn’t happy with myself or where I was in life at the time. Of course, that 3rd date was our last, and the other one ended up more or less telling me that she saw me as a little brother because she was 10 years older than me.
Both of these extremely successful women reflected what I didn’t consider myself. I had money and I did well at poker, but Someday the pipe dream would end. The very thought of waking up, being in my 30s or even 40 and still grinding it out to pay bills was my biggest nightmare, so I’m extremely grateful to finally be out. I’m making 80% less teaching English than I did playing poker, but thats not the reason I’m teaching. Thats for another post though.
So fast forward to now and why I’m making this post. My first week in Phuket, I randomly approached this girl. I’m like “Hey sawadee krup girl, how you doing?” LOL. We chatted a bit, and she gave me her Line ID which is the messenger all Thai and Japanese use for the most part. We texted a little bit, and a few days later asked her what she was doing and she said she was drinking with her friends before work. Yes, she works at a gogo bar She invited me to go drinking with them, so I did and the 4 of us killed a bottle of Thai whiskey in an hour before work.
I went with them to their gogo bar and just watched her dance, bought her a few drinks, and played connect four with the other girls that weren’t on stage. Apparently connect four is what you do in Thai gogo bars haha. When she got off stage she’d come to me and just start making out with me. Yeah, if a beautiful wants to kiss me, don’t think I’m really gonna say no lol. Eventually….. she got bar fined…. she says she doesn’t have sex with customers, and she just went to a party, but I can’t know for sure, and I’m sure I was just being naive. During the courting process of this customer with her, he body language reflected she didn’t want to be with this guy, and would just look back at me constantly and give me a sad face.
She took the next day off since it was my last night in Patong and said she wanted to watch a movie. She wanted to watch Guardians of the Galaxy 2, but there wasn’t a showing for another two hours. I asked her if she liked Netflix, and she didn’t even know what Netflix was. So I proposed we Netflix and Chill LOL. She agreed, so we went back to my hotel and started watching Adventure Land with Jesse Eisenberg, Kristin Stewart, and Ryan Reynolds. She didn’t really look like she liked the movie much, and we didn’t finish it because halfway through, of course, we start having some of the best sex I’ve ever had my whole life. So passionate, so much foreplay, she was so sopping wet, and she actually told me she loved me afterwards.
So now I’m holding this gorgeous woman who has just said she loves me, and I, being the Pharaoh Mosby that I am, ask her if she wants to be my girlfriend. Yes, I asked a Thai gogo dancer if she wanted to be my girlfriend. And I did this thinking, who knows, maybe she doesn’t fuck her customers, maybe she does want to be with me, and maybe I could be a great influence on her life as an English teacher and a sweet guy. She said, of course, and my heart just fluttered. She spent the night, and after much more love making, we said our goodbyes the next morning when I went to move into my apartment that I’m in now.
Its been a week and I haven’t seen her since, and she posted something today which said “Single? No I’m not single. I’m in a relationship with freedom.” She doesn’t really respond to texts, so maybe I got a little too attached to something that was a one night stand. I can get attached so easily to a girl, and I’m not going to lie, I feel a little hurt right now, but I’m glad it likely is over because what did I really expect to happen? Although majorly disheartened, I’m grateful for an amazing couple of days with her and wish her the best.
I’ve still been single for four years, though, and I do want to try love again. My view of love has changed as well over the years. You don’t fall into love. Someone accesses it in you. Of course, you need to manifest your own love from your own internal reservoir of wealth, but when someone accesses love in you it never dies. I will always love Manami, and although I wouldn’t say I loved any of the other girls I’ve dated, I still respect them and am happy for great memories with them.
I wonder to myself if I’m going to wake up and be 30 and still single. Prior to Manami I struggled badly with girls. Playful banter is fun, but at the same time its really not what I’m looking for. I miss what I had with her, and I think Phuket would be a wonderful place to try to experience love again. Sadly though, I just can’t seem to find what I want.
I want to go chill, read, and swim with some amazing Thai girl in all the different beaches around the island. I want to have an extremely profound language exchange experience where she helps me with my Thai and I help her with her English. I want to go go-karting, bowling, since I’ve seen those around Phuket, but sadly no Karaoke and no laser tag, but I just want a best friend and an activity partner again.
I don’t want a girl that constantly needs to be surrounded by people. I know that its easiest to meet girls in groups, but groups are just not my thing, and although I want to hang out in groups every now and then, I really would rather date and be an activity partner of a girl like in my first relationship.
If you missed it, its actually what I consider my best poem. It was written from the point of view of Manami to me. In the poem Manami is ‘I’ and ‘me’, I am ‘you’, and the Thai girl I guess I just broke up with is ‘she’. I talk about how love is an access gate, and that Manami accessed a higher power in me, something I’ll never forget. Something that can be accessed while making love, but something that can always be felt whenever the senses are being utilized. The gentle caress of a soft breeze, or a refreshing splash of a raindrop on my head.
I suppose I’m just a hopeless romantic, but like Ted Mosby, I’ll never stop trying and approaching. If you never try you’ll never know. There are many gorgeous women I’ve seen and hesitated to talk to, but wondered what would’ve happened had I tried to chat with them. I see a beautiful girl and I want to get to know her, and hope we have similar interests. Want to grab food and see what makes her tick, and hopefully make her feel special for whatever interests she has and introduce her to mine. Until my next orbital, I will just enjoy this beautiful island and being a goober with my students every day.
Until next time
Image taken from: http://www.vixendaily.com/quizzes/are-you-a-hopeless-romantic/