Conversation with Myself Part 5– Can I love myself?

**To my close followers, you know who you are, this is really long, but I hope you end up reading, not skimming, but reading this.**

**Names in *..* have been changed to protect people’s privacies.**

Sherif: I genuinely hate everything about life right now. I am so fucking depressed!!

Pharaoh: Why is that? It seems like you got rid of some people from your life yesterday that were causing you pain, and were in resistance towards.

Sherif: You’re right, Magmar* might be the  most arrogant, selfish, delusional douchebag I’ve ever met. He has total tunnel vision. We’ve talked about linking up in Asia for months, and then for the previous month he just falls off the face of the Earth, and every time you brought that up he just dodged the question.

Pharaoh: You’ve had your frustrations with him over the years. This is your what? 3rd or 4th major fight?

Sherif: Yeah, its good riddance, to be honest with you. He has the luxury of traveling wherever still playing online poker, and unless I have time off from work, I need to stay in one place with a stable, wired internet connection. He then compared me to girls that expect him to travel for them, but does he have the capacity to see that we don’t have the same luxury he does. That our jobs don’t permit that? Most people MIGHT be able to take a couple vacations per year. That isn’t bothering me at all though, if anything I’m happy about it. I think I’ve known this many times before, but I kept trying to convince myself to see the best and that he has been a good friend, when he has a pretty narrow imagination, self centered, and is really egotistical.

What I’m really sad about isn’t that though. I feel absolutely horrible at what happened with Papaya* and Plum* yesterday. (Their Thai names are both close to Papaya and Plum, so I chose those)

Pharaoh: What he sees has nothing to do with what you do. It does, but at the same time your actions are independent of his visions. Well, what happened with Papaya and Plum?

Sherif: After I cut ties with Magmar, I went to Kata beach, and after asking Papaya to meet at Illusion yesterday, a club that we enjoyed going to last time I was here, she said she might go with her friends for her friends birthday.

Pharaoh: And she didn’t invite you right?

Sherif: Nope, she didn’t. She said it would be better for them to have a girls night and that she would try to go to the beach with me soon.

Pharaoh: That’s great! You could have a chill day at the beach with a girl you were head over heels for.

Sherif: Soon? She didn’t even commit to a day!! I kept asking to her commit to a day, but she wouldn’t. I have complete open availability while waiting to start work on either the 18th or the 1st again, but she just wouldn’t commit to a day!

Pharaoh: Do you trust her? Do you think she had a valid point if it was her friends birthday, and maybe they’re allowed to enjoy their girl time without you. Maybe her friends don’t even speak English. Also from the last time you were here didn’t realize that  she’s a little more spontaneous and not as regimented as you are?

Sherif: I randomly chatted with some girl while at a papaya salad, and meat-skewer-stand who spoke 0 English. She seemed interested in me, and then after this horrible day happened, she ended up texting me throughout the day, and inviting me to grab dinner with her.

Pharaoh: Well, why aren’t you happy about that? And how does that have any relevance?

Sherif: What can I expect to materialize without being able to communicate? And it just shows how easy it is to take a little time out of your day to see someone.

Pharaoh: Why does anything need to materialize? Why can’t you just be happy she made the effort to grab food with you, plus the less you expect in the future the greater satisfaction you’ll receive in return for any efforts. She gave you a lot more effort than Papaya did anyways.

Also, they’re two different people. Just because one girl treats you one way, or you expect to be treated a certain way doesn’t mean that you will.

Sherif: Yeah, I need to expect less, maybe with this new girl, Momo,* something could happen.

Pharaoh: Stop caring about whether something will happen or not and just go with the flow, or you’ll always be swimming against the current!!! And last I checked, didn’t Papaya say she only wanted to be friends?

Sherif: But we had sex twice!!! Absolutely amazing sex!! We dated a few weeks, and I left. I thought she just said she only wanted to be friends because I was leaving. And I felt there was something there. I know there was something there, I felt it. We kept in relatively close contact while I was in the states until returning, and I thought I’d have a chance to win her over now that I’m back.

Pharaoh: You probably did have a chance to win her over. You talked on the phone your second day back, and she said she would go to Naihan beach with you. She said she would go with just you. She said she wanted time alone with her girlfriends for her friend’s birthday, but maybe she would go to Illusion with you if she didn’t with them, but that when you went to the beach it would have been just the two of you. You had 6 months to potentially win her over, but now you just convinced her you’re something you’re not. You got extremely desperate, forcing her to choose a day when she’s not that type of person. You know she’s a bit more spontaneous. You know she’s out of work, and wants to see her friends, so why couldn’t you accept that?

Sherif: Because its ridiculous. We haven’t seen each other in 6 months, and we’re supposed to be close friends. Plus how hard is it to take 1 hour to meet someone for lunch or dinner? How hard is it to say, ‘I’ll set Saturday or Sunday aside for Sherif, I haven’t seen him in months, and I’m busy, but I can spare a couple hours for food, or even a day for the beach to take a break from job hunting.’ What kind of bullshit welcome is this?

Pharaoh: It may sound ridiculous to you, but you’re not living in the same world. She has her own world and you have yours, and you just made your own worse because you couldn’t accept hers. You also couldn’t accept that because you were expecting her affection to validate your own inadequacies which is a problem of your own, not whatever girl you end up getting addicted to the idea of.

Sherif: Sigh, yeah. I went back and read the text convo a few times and saw how I just kept trying to force, force, force instead of letting it be. I just wanted to see her.

Pharaoh: That doesn’t justify putting her in a situation where she has to reserve a day for you on the spot. Some people like to keep a close schedule, like you, and others are different.

There’s a lot of cats in this world, just like there are a lot of people. -Haruki Murakami 

Sherif: Then I ended up calling her a ‘fucking bitch,’ over this, and of course got blocked after this blow up.

Pharaoh: What the hell is wrong with you? How do you go from being completely even keeled, lost in a trance staring at crabs scurrying around in a tide pool at Phrom Tiep Cape, and later reading on the beach, to blowing up on a girl you’re supposedly, ‘in love with?’

Sherif: Because when I’m hurt I try to inflict as much pain on the person that hurt me as possible. Because I was out of my head when I was one with the crabs. I was playing with them. I wasn’t resisting anything, and my spies were silenced.

Pharaoh: You may hurt a weaker person when you blow up, but do you get off on that? And do you realize you made a comment on one of B’s aphorisms that everything is a reflection, that when you try to hurt someone it only ends up coming back at you and making you hurt  worse than you already do. Your words are glue, and they’ll come back to you.

Sherif: What do you want me to say?

Pharaoh: There’s nothing to say. Apologizing is useless because you’re not sorry given you haven’t completely reconfigured your life to any extent which would result in any long-term change since you’ve been a ticking-time-bomb for how long now? Just because you’re in Phuket instead of Las Vegas doesn’t mean you’ll feel any different about how you are. You learned this lesson in Barcelona while you were doing your CELTA.

Sherif: And although I wasn’t malicious towards Plum, I was pretty childish.

Pharaoh: What did you do with Plum?

Sherif: I basically asked her not to cancel on ours plans for her to come over and watch a horror movie on Thursday because Bua had flaked three times in one week, and Paparach broke my heart. She was sweet too, she said of course she wouldn’t flake, and not to worry because I still had her.

Pharaoh: Well what happened next, and why would you project yourself in that light, or lack thereof? Do you think any girl wants to hear about other girls, let alone your failures with other girls. That could be a conversation if you’re intimate at some point and reflecting on your pasts, but definitely not in the getting-to-know-you phase. And was your heart ever whole to begin with?

Sherif: I basically vented about how I was depressed over Papaya and feeling lonely in Thailand since two of my teacher friends went back to the states, Bua had flaked three times, and Papaya had broken my heart, I was feeling happy just doing my own thing while waiting for this trip.

Pharaoh: Wow, so you projected desperation.

Sherif: Yeah I guess I did, and I also told her I could care less about having female friends, and just want a girlfriend.

Pharaoh: Back to another dichotomy huh? Girlfriend or nothing? You do realize you have platonic friends on WordPress right, why can’t you have platonic female friends off the internet?

Sherif: Well thats different. I respect them as writers, and enjoy reading their poetry or life reflections. I’m not trying to date them.

Pharaoh: For the ones that are relatively close to your age, do you think the only thing that would prevent you from getting feelings for them is that you live in other places, don’t make an effort to get to know them outside of just comments, and there’s no way you would ever fantasize about doing distance?

Do you also remember the opening of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Sherif: “Why do I always fall in love with every girl that gives me the least bit of attention?” -Jim Carrey (Joel Barrish)

And nah, not into distance, and I’m happy having a supportive, drama free community of people that enjoy my writing. I’ll keep it that.

Pharaoh: Just like Joel in the movie, you’re not happy with your own life and you’re looking for a Clementine to make your life more fulfilling or exciting. And good!

Sherif: But my life is exciting, I’m traveling right now!

Pharaoh: Then why weren’t you content with your exciting life, and why’d you blow up on Papaya and show how bored and lonely you were to Plum? Seems pretty inconsistent with how someone would act given contentment with their excitement.

Sherif: Kinda funny you say that. So after having transitioned out of poker, It was just a lot of time spent at my mom’s saving and waiting to get back abroad and teaching, and not doing that much, reading, writing poetry, watching Netflix or whatever, seeing friends occasionally and being responsible with my expenses, but once I get back abroad, Its like I feel things will be different than that and more exciting, but even abroad, you can’t be doing stuff 24/7 and there’s still a lot of down time where you have to just sit around and read or watch netflix. Just doing my own thing and being at peace with it has always been a problem for me.

Pharaoh: Are you traveling, or are you more of an expat? If you take a side trip outside of Phuket then that is traveling, but while here you’re more on a budget, and there’s going to be a lot of downtime where you’ll need to be content with yourself while alone.

Sherif: So to go back to Papaya and wrap this convo up because I’m sure everyone need’s to go soon, I felt like Papaya had accessed love in me for the second time since Manami.

Pharaoh: Thank God, you’re saying ‘accessed love in me,’ instead of saying, ‘I loved her.’ That shows some progress at least.

Sherif: In a way it makes me think of Murakami again. How in the first chapter of Norwegian Wood, Toru comes to the realization that Naoko never loved him reflecting back on their relationship when he’s in his fourties. Kizuki and Naoko had been in a relationship since they were like seven or eight or whatever. They had their own way of clinging to each other until Kizuki commit suicide when he was 18. Naoko had never really discovered herself because she was part of a two-piece-puzzle. Once one pieces was removed the whole couldn’t remain on its own. Toru was their link to the outside world, and why they both were dependent on him. After Naoko ends up killing herself in the end, it shows she didn’t have enough love of her own to continue living. That although she had somewhat of a relationship with Toru and wanted to be with him, he was unable to access love in her because she didn’t have enough of her own to be reflected back at her from him, although Toru had enough of his own for it to be reflected through her back at him, and why he makes love to a 53 year old woman, and then Murakami leaves it on a cliffhanger, but we assume he will end up working out with Midori. Toru has found himself in his late teens, and has enough love to give to all the women in his life.

Pharaoh: Can’t really argue with any of that. Nice analysis buddy. So do you feel you never loved Manami, just like Naoko never loved Toru?

Sherif: Of course I loved Manami!! Its not like I was completely dependent on her, ok, I wanted to see her a lot more than we did, but while we were together I felt that I vibrated at a different frequency. My relationships with my friends strengthened, I did better in school, I did better in poker, and I was a lot more responsible with my expenses. We only saw each other a couple of times a week, but when we did she was definitely my best friend. She helped me see the best side of myself.

Pharaoh: So she accessed love in you?

Sherif: Yes, she did. For the first time in my life I felt love. I wasn’t on the chase constantly and just happy being.

Pharaoh: People are mirrors at the end of the day. They reflect whatever state you are in back at you. Do you feel any better?

Sherif: A little bit, but there’s nothing you can do to change what happened with Papaya and Plum.

Pharaoh: Me? What do you mean me? I’m here for motivational speeches, advice, etc etc, but at the end of the day you create your own world. I am only the world within you to provide you with clarity when your own seems a bit hazy. And I’ll always be there for you and I will always love you even if we get separated.

Sherif: Im crying right now.

Pharaoh: Because you don’t love yourself. I can’t make you do it. And you remember when Manami held you in her arms and cradled you like a baby while you cried? You were on a pretty brutal downswing in poker, and I think you lost about 1/3 of your bankroll from your peak over the month and a half and you were wondering if she would leave you. She got into a relationship knowing you were relatively broke that NYE and supported you as you built it, but she could have cared less about that. Next time you meet a girl that genuinely loves you for you and helps you access more love than hate at a higher frequency, please don’t forget that. Don’t let your ego get the best of you. You don’t need someone to access love in you because once its discovered it can’t be lost, only temporarily abandoned.

Sherif: I’m not crying anymore

Pharaoh: Atta boy, well your followers have others posts to read, so better wrap it up.

Until next time 🙂

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10 thoughts on “Conversation with Myself Part 5– Can I love myself?

  1. Wow! What a beautiful dialog with self! Stay strong my friend. Live in the moment, one day at a time. Nothing can be forced. Allow life, and especially love, to organically unfold. Trust in your journey, one day at a time!💚

    Like

    1. Haha thanks!!! I will take any good vibes I can get. Hopefully continue growing in 2018. I feel like I kept and strengthened most friendships this year, but still feel bad about losing Papaya. She probably wasn’t worth making much effort to, but I didn’t have any right to blow up on her the way I did. Sigh.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm …we all end up behaving humanly at times in life 🙂 Important is to learn, grow, rise above and shine with kindness and compassion for self and others. I wish you all your wishes come true effortlessly!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You everything you need already inside of you and you have great insight. It is up to you of where it will go from here. Timing is everything and life can’t be forced or controlled. Surrender and let things unfold naturally. You got this if you truly want it and I believe in you my friend.

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